O Jeffrey (Donaldson), Where Art Thou’!

O Jeffrey, Where Art Thou?

Northern Ireland’s DUP MP, Jeffrey Donaldson, has decided to reimburse the Commons’ Fees Office to the tune of £660 that he claimed for expenses on his parliamentary visits to London during the period 2004-5. Mr. Donaldson is a self styled ‘Christian Politician’ and personifies a very smug and pious demeanour as he adorns his ‘Jesus Fish’ symbol on his crusade for the North's Ulster Unionism.

Who would have thought that ‘Norn Iron’ could produce our very own version of Jonathan Ross! Actually if Mr Ross did hail from here then it would be hilarious listening to him trying to say ‘Norn Iron’! The surprise scoop on the  ‘Man For All Genres’ Mr Donaldson was brought to public attention by the Daily Telegraph at the weekend as the West Minister MP fees scandal rumbles on.

The Daily Telegraph’s subtle opening paragraph introduces the Rt. Hon. Mr Donaldson as:

'Mr Donaldson, 46, a married father of two, used his Commons second home allowances to pay for films in his hotel room nearly every time he travelled from Northern Ireland to the capital on parliamentary business.'

According to submitted receipts, Jeffrey Donaldson accrued total costs of £555.54 pertaining to a total of 68 films during the time period 2004-2005;

'Receipts submitted by the MP before then show that the films he claimed for ranged in price from £7.50 at the Marriot, County Hall, to £14.95 at the Renaissance Hotel, Heathrow Airport. He was billed for 30 films during his stays at the Jolly Hotel St Ermine near Westminster, Mr Donaldson’s hotel of choice, at a cost of £7.95 a time. On four occasions he put the £9.95 cost of watching films at Hilton Hotels on his expenses.'

Mr Donaldson was not content with normal terrestrial T.V. offerings. Oh NO, NO, NO, instead he opted for the 'Blockbuster' category! (Rebels Yell readers behave!!) The newspaper article then elaborates in greater depth into the nature of those films currently available on pay-per-view.

At present, the films on offer which would fall into THIS ‘Blockbuster’ category at the Marriott are 'Sexy Scenes 2009, series 2, series 5 and series 7', 'Hotel For Dogs' (2009), 'Friday the 13th' (2009), 'Role Models' (2009) and 'Death Race' (2009).

In press releases issued last Friday night Mr Donaldson moved to disassociate himself from any innuendos and strenuously deny any claims that any porn flicks were on the agenda!;

“Such material was not viewed on the date alleged, or at all.”

Of course, if you are really stuck for an excuse you can always blame it on the RA!!

"Unfortunately, because of my security situation at the time, my family and I can't go to the cinema, so I took the opportunity to watch some of the films at the hotel."

Food for Thought (oh those DUP boys and gals do love their Grub!)

The Daily Telegraph also reported that the hotel costs were collectively classed as “Room Service 2”;

Most of the films appeared on the hotel bills as “Room Service 2”, meaning that their nature was not obvious to officials. On one occasion, the item “Room Service 2” was circled on the receipt by Mr Donaldson or staff working for him, and the word “food” written next to it, before the claim was submitted.

Mr Donaldson had just joined the DUP party, one year prior to these events. 2004-05 was a good year for the discerning film buff! Top box office hits included Shrek 2, National Treasure, Christmas with the Cranks, The Polar Express, The Incredibles etc. When asked on interview which films he remembers watching, a very hesitant Mr. Donaldson came up with 'Star Wars - The Original Trilogy [DVD] [1977]and 'The Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe'!!

For those cynics amongst us, who do not belief in innocence until proven guilty, may have picked up Jeffrey being uncharacteristically indecisive during his recent UTV interview. Mr Donaldson picked two very safe options, 'Star Wars Trilogy' and the ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe ’! Good safe wholesome non-innuendo choices but hopefully regarding the latter he doesn’t fall foul of any jumping of the wardrobe jokes. These can tend to leave a nasty taste in the mouth! (plzzz Rebels Yell readers no Batman jokes!!!!). I sincerely hope that no Rebels Yell readers are fans of the ‘Kung Fu’ legendary actor David Carradine, 72, who succumb to a bizarre fate in a Thai Hotel room. Thai police were investigating the twin theories that the death was either suicide or a sex game gone wrong. Carradine was found hanging in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck and other parts of his body. Oouuchhh!!

The Good and The Bad 2004 /2005 Film Releases

So here are a few of my choices of films that were big in various genres in 2004-05. The first few are actually porn flicks with an atypical cheesy play on words, of which there are two a penny! (so if you are reading this Jeffrey, closes your eyes NOW!)  The reason I have hand-picked a few of these, is that if any further revelations were to transpire, then it would be entirely plausible for Jeffrey to have a strong case for mistaken identity.  A bit like the recent remarks made by the Orange Order on their ownership of flags ERECTED in national areas!

HEALTH WARNING: These ones could cause blindness!


Private Gold 81: Porn Wars Episode 1

This porno rip off comes with the tagline ‘Cum join the Force!’ Has a similar ring to the DUP’s Ian Paisley cry to arms to the Ulster Protestants following both the Sunningdale Agreement in 1973 which led to the Ulster Workers' Strike (1974) which proved to be its death nail and Maggie NO, NO, NO, Thatcher signing the Anglo Irish Agreement. Hmmm extremely cheesy and very preDICKable!!


Dangerous Liason

Following on with 'The Star Wars' word play, Michael Lucas (NO not George Lucas donuts!) creation courted alot of controversy over the innuendos with its play on words on the cult movie classics.

Pirates Collector Edition (No links for these two Rebels Yell readers, do your own Google search!)


The ‘Safe Viewing’ Options

Alexander - Director's Cut [DVD] [2004]

This Oliver Stone epic was a massive box office hit in 2004 for movie goers and I am sure Jeffrey would have enjoyed this one. Especially since fellow Irish man, Collin Farrell, played the leading eastern European character. Stone had waited years to fulfill his dream of making a film about the legendary king of Macedonia. However, Oliver Stone found himself in a race to the finishing post with Baz Luhrmann who had been developing his own ‘Alexander The Great’ project.

I do think this one would be one of Jeffrey’s top picks on the 2004/05 movie buffs calendar. A political go getter like Mr. Donaldson could well affiliate himself with the infamous Macedonian King’s quest for power and control on his crusades. Upon reaching Babylon in the film, Farrell utters ‘Imagine the minds that conceived this", as he gazed over the opulence of the great city that awaited him. I wonder if Mr. Donaldson uttered similar words upon realising the potential ‘tax-payer’ goodies available in his hotel room.

Jeffrey could well be classed as the Ulster Unionist’s modern day version of Alexander as he champions the Ulster Unionist cause in the corridors of The House’s of Parliament and Stormont. He has a strenuous parliamentary schedule as he crusades tirelessly for the rights of Ulster Unionism against the tsunami of Irish Republicanism – MP, MLA, Councillor etc. So we can forgive Jeffrey for taking the odd time out from his hectic schedule, and enjoy some welcome relief with a good chick flick, a big bag of ‘melt in your mouth not in your hand’ M n M’s, popcorn and a non-alcoholic beverage.

Sin City - 2-Disc Edition [Blu-ray] [2005]

This one was my personal favourite of 2005. 'Sin City' was a screen adaption by Robert Rodriguez of Frank Miller's best-selling comic book series 'Sin City'. Rodriguez created a portmanteau film, incorporating murder, betrayal, decapitation, and cannibalism that is also beautifully crafted.

It is a pure cinematic masterpiece with breathless editing and high-contrast black and white images lit up by flashes of colour. The hyper-stylized look of 'Sin City' does a fine job at reproducing the deft visuals of the comic book onto the big screen.

You could be forgiven to likening some of the goings on to this mythical city to Belfast during the dark days of ‘The Troubles’.  In Sin City, the shady metropolis where Frank Miller bases his brutal tales, these film noir characters fall into their very distinct two-dimensional roles: creeps (if they're guys) and whores (if they're women.).  As we are all to aware sectarian violence was rife throughout both communities and Belfast was effectively divided into two waring tribes embroilled in a downward spiral of violence.  If you haven't seen it garb a copy because you won't be disappointed!!

So Rebels Yell readers which of the films currently on offer at the Marriott would get their guest's pulses racing?

New Movie Releases Available at the Marriott  (2009)


In general, the current crop of 2009 films available at the Marriott follow Hollywood film directors current obsession for remaking cult classics is very akin to the current Ulster unionist thinking, and especially for Jim Allister’s TUV strategy of re-bundling old fashioned protestant ethos and reverting back to the days of ruddy faces, bowler hats and sombre suited marching figures!


Sexy Scenes 2009, series 2, series 5 and series 7: (can’t find a link, ideas anyone!)

Plenty of choice here from the looks of it, but I am reliably informed when once you have seen one you have seen them all! However, given the level of ‘eye candy’ in the upper echelons of the DUP hierarchy, I think any mere mortal couldn’t resist the urge to have a wee luk! Au contraire, to even contemplate that the Rt. Hon. Mr. Donaldson would even contemplate such a momentary lapse in Calvin faith would be un-imaginable to his Ulster Unionist brethren. Would You Risk A Peak, Jeffrey?

Hotel For Dogs [DVD] [2009]

This one is the most family friendly of the four currently available on pay-per-view at the Marriott. No dogs die in this film, and there is no visible leg humping either! On the downside this film’s target audience is the elementary school range with a fair amount of toilet humour to boot. (15 Cert)

Friday The 13th [DVD] [2009]

Yet another remake of a 1970’s cult classic. This might be a hot pick given the correlation to that historical Good Friday in Northern Ireland’s history. Might bring back horrific memories to some Ulster Unionists of the day those Fenian bastard's got a say in our wee Ulster's affairs!! (18 Cert)


Role Models [DVD] [2008]

This might be a 50/50 one folks! 'Role Models' can be best described as a twisted version of the sub-genus "teacher inspiring his/her students", but with lessons about female boobs, instead of poetry, literature, dancing or whatever. The inspirational title looks promising on this one given the wrangling for supremacy within Ulster unionism following the departure of the ‘Big Man’! (15 Cert)

Death Race [DVD] [2008]

Ahh, now this one looks really promising due to its timely release! Especially as the current race for the Future Unionist Vote between Jim Allister (TUV) and the DUP heats up. There are two versions of this one available. You can choose the classic version from 1975 (re-released 2000) or the inspired version released in 2008 starring Jason Stratham. A very apt choice this one, which is an action packed, gladiatorial combat between two lunatics on wheels.  Incidentally not to give await the plot, prior to the race one of the drivers has to be replaced at the last moment!.  Hopefully, as we run into the North Antrim West Minister by-election next year, I won't referring back to draw comparisons to Ian Paisley Jnr. not being picked to run against Jim Allister.....  Fortunately this one carries a 15 Cert. whilst its predecessor carried an 18 Cert!

All in all, although the 'Daily Telegraph' did not provide any clear evidence of what Mr. Donaldson actually watched, it leaves the reader a bit disappointed! Ironically for now, this story is a bit like a porn flick, plenty of promise to start with but ends in a bit of an anti-climax!


Interested in more satire on this issue then head over to Splintered Sunrise Well Worth A Visit!

Posted in: DUP,Jeffrey Donaldson,MP expenses,Norn Irony,Unionism